Do you ever feel utterly and completely hopeless? When you know good will come...but not for an what seems forever? When you you can't control how you feel? And you feel like total crap. And you hold back the tears and convince yourself it will pass. And it does. And then comes back. And the assurance you once so strongly was consumed with is pressed to it's limit with the happenstances of life. It's when you feel like giving up, but you know you can't. So you hang on with every ounce of strength you have left, just to survive the next moment. The next hour. The next night. It'll pass. Eventually. Good days will come again. But not for a long time. This sadness that posseses you is only sadness after all. It's only a breif insecurity. A moment of doubt. An enticing guilt that only has as much control as you allow it. But how does it stop? How can you move on? Do you ever move on? From the pain you thought you forgot? That same pain that kept you alone in your room dreaming of him. Longing, hoping, feeling, and having it ripped away from you. Like he didn't care. But you know he did. He doesn't anymore. Does that make you hurt? Does it make you angry? Can you stop yourself from the anger that wants to forget him? Can you forgive yourself from falling so deep? Can you breathe again? Can you be forgiven from all your doubt. Refusal. For believing the little voice in your head that made you sad in the first place. Voices. Voices. Like children screaming. Can you hear the children screaming? Can you see the strife in these eyes? Do you see the wounds of arrows from within? Do you see the things out of order? The shoes on the floor? The drawers opened, the beds unmade? It will never be good enough. For good enough doesn't exist. Not in this mind. Perfection. And everything that follows. Don't let yourself fall to deep. Breathe. Believe. Don't doubt. But you do. You doubt. You doubt with all your might, you fall and can't pick yourself up back again. How do you deal? Can you still see? Could you ever fully make sense of the abstraction? Did you ever get anything right? One of the voices you hear calls you bad names. Over and over again. It's tempting to believe it. But you're wiser. Unfortunately. You're wise enough not to go against the rules. You understand why things work the way they do. Your heart has grown cold from each problem you solved. For everything is a problem to be solved. There are no mysteries to be enjoyed, nothing without a pattern, and number, a purpose...a headache. Throbbing. Chronically. Again. It's like happiness is a mask and we really are creatures engulfed in suffering. Suffering. Again. It never really went away did it? Not this time. Not again. Say it isn't true. Make it stop somebody. But don't help. You can't help it. You'll refuse. For you refused the first time, what makes you think you won't refuse this time? Emotion. Lots of it. Passing. Falling. Deeper. So you'll leave and forget. Yes forget. Ignore. Until you have the time to think about anything again. But for now you'll go and force yourself to stay awake, force yourself to more past the glancing away, move past the urge to cry for help.